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HOW THIS ALL STARTED FOR ME
Some time ago, before I was offering this work professionally, I shared a personal post with family and friends in order to allow them to see a part of me that I typically hid in the past. It talks about my experience of growing up with my sensitivities and touches on some of the experiences which led me to the work I am doing today. It gives you a general idea of how all of this started for me. I've left it almost exactly as I originally posted it. I am sharing this post here to both convey how this started for me and to give folks a taste of what it can be like being an intuitive in the world.
When you are sensitive to energy, communicate with spirit, and have psychic experiences, it's not widely understood and is often seen as taboo. Therefore, it's really a closet to come out of. Coming out of the closet–any closet–can be extremely nerve-racking to say the least. It can also be extraordinarily liberating. I had come out of the gay closet many years before so this experience of coming out was not new to me. I was just no longer comfortable not being out as an intuitive/psychic, medium. It’s a coming out post. It was a scary thing to do but it was so necessary and ended up being both hugely empowering and an incredible relief. The support I received from family and friends was beautiful and I was left with such a feeling of immense gratitude and love. It’s an amazing experience when you show who you truly are and are loved for it.
At the time, I also knew that I was meant to offer this kind of work professionally and I realized that you can't offer something if you are hiding it. So this was another motivator for me to come out.
THE FOLLOWING IS A PERSONAL POST I SHARED WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS BEFORE I BEGAN MY JOURNEY OF OFFERING THIS WORK PROFESSIONALLY.
I came out of one closet 15 years ago (as a big lesbo) and I’m about to come out of another one. I’m sure I’ve mentioned to some of you that I’m “into woo woo.” Some of my close friends even know that I’ve had major psychic experiences as well as experiences connecting with spirits. A very small handful of people in my life really know that I’m a psychic medium.
First and foremost, this is about who I am (There will likely be some folks out there who think I am off my rocker after reading this, but that’s OK. This is all super sensitive stuff for me to share. If folks are up for leaving supportive comments, that would be awesome!).
The other night I hit a wall. I was totally frustrated and irritable and exhausted. I’ve been feeling like it’s time to live outwardly as who I am—and being a psychic medium is a HUGE part of who I am. It just is. I can’t be in the closet with this any more and I also KNOW it’s related to what I’m meant to do in my professional life. I’m extremely passionate about it and it’s a huge part of my every day experience in this world. I was so tired of being tired and frustrated and I just couldn’t think of a way out that worked other than living more openly as who I am. I looked at myself in the mirror the other night and I said, “Enough is enough. We are doing this. I am capable and can handle it. I have to do this.” I have to for my own well-being. It’s not easy though because, like coming out as gay— or at the very least, my experience of being gay in the 90s and early 2000s in New Hampshire, it’s very taboo. Folks who have not experienced it, will not be able to understand what it’s like to experience it. Which, frankly, is completely understandable. It’s a very challenging thing for people to wrap their mind around. It was a challenging thing for me to wrap my mind around for years. I’m actually grateful that I’ve had the experience of coming out before because, although it’s different in some ways, I kind of know how this works. I’ve been there already.
Every time I tell someone “I’m into woo woo,” or “I’m into psychic stuff,” it feels like I’m shoving a dagger into my own chest. I’m not just “into woo woo.” I am a psychic medium and it is a huge part of my every day life. Every. Single. Day. If I’ve said that I’m into woo woo, it’s really a cover up of sorts. One example I might use to explain this would be how once upon a time, I would allow folks to assume I was straight. Was I lying? No. Did it make me feel like total shit inside? Yes—because I wasn’t being my true self. I was not allowing myself to be seen, and therefore, loved for my true self. Yes, I AM into woo woo but that’s not the big picture. To say I’m into it implies that it’s an interest of mine. This, for me, isn’t an interest. In a lot of ways, it’s my life.
I wasn’t always conscious of all of this the way that I am today and I wasn’t as developed as a psychic and a medium as I am today. It’s gradually, consciously, become an intrinsic part of me but in many ways, it’s always been there and I’ve simply uncovered more about myself. I’ve discovered who I am, what matters to me, why I experience certain things, and what is under the surface.
The rest of this post is quite long. I realized I couldn’t put this post up without including a lot of details about my experience. I really wanted to get all of these truths out there as a foundation to help folks understand both my personal experience, because I want to be seen and heard— which I’ve rarely shared— and how being a psychic medium might show up in someone’s life. We are all psychic mediums on some level. We all have the capacity— and it can be developed. It just comes more naturally to some than others— like anything else. For some, it’s an every day experience of life. For some, their need is about understanding their every day experiences rather than developing their abilities. It was not always a conscious experience of every day life for me, but it is now.
When I was 17 I started—unintentionally—connecting with spirit. It just happened. It started 5 years after I lost my Mom. Looking back, I was having major psychic experiences since I was very young—like for my entire life maybe. I would have dreams that would come true. I would feel my Dad’s mother (who died well before I was born) lovingly watching over me as I went to sleep. When I was 7, my mom was diagnosed with cancer for the first time. Years later, when she was diagnosed for the second time, I remember having this conversation with her; Me: “Mom, I remember when you brought me in your room to tell me you had cancer the first time.” Mom: “YOU told ME.” Me: “What?!” Mom: “I brought you in my room and sat you down to tell you that I was diagnosed and before I could say anything, you said, ‘you have cancer.’”
When I was 8, I was in the car with my Dad one day and I had a realization. I always knew that I’d been to England but I realized that I didn’t actually remember going there—like, there was no plane ride. I said, “Dad, I’ve been to England, right?” He said, “No.” This was very confusing for me because I knew that I’d been there. Later, as an adult, I was told by multiple psychics that I lived in England in a past life.
When I was maybe 9 or 10, my Mom, cousin, sister, and I were up in Maine in an area I was not familiar with. We went to an ice cream shop and I had a very strong feeling that there was a connection with this shop and my Aunt Cindy. As a kid, I interpreted this feeling of connection as my aunt having worked there. This was the conversation essentially; Me: “Mom, did Cindy used to work here?” Mom: “No.” I continued to eat my ice cream but the feeling was overwhelming. Me: “Are you sure?” Mom: “Yes,” she said laughing. Me: “I think she did.” Mom: “She didn’t.” Me: “I’m gonna go ask.” Mom: “Go ahead!” Me talking to the lady at the counter: “Did Cindy Pond used to work here?” The lady looked shocked. Lady: “No, but I live in her house.” My Mom came over to the counter, shocked and confused. Mom: “What?” Lady: “I live in her house. All through our entire basement, ‘Cindy Pond was here,’ is written on the walls.”
She apparently lived in the house that my Mom and aunts grew up in and when my aunt was a kid, she had written that on the basement walls. Despite all of the psychic experiences I had had up until this point, I didn’t think anything of it. I was a kid—a kid who didn’t know anything about this stuff. What kid did (in southern New Hampshire in the 1980s and 90s)? Also, we all do have some psychic experiences like this. A super common one is when we think of someone one moment and the next moment, that person calls us.
These kinds of experiences continued into my teen years and then when I was 17, something changed. I connected with my Mom (Who died of cancer when I was 12) for the first time (at least it was the first time I was aware that I was connecting with her).
One day I went to a birthday party for friend of mine. We were a bunch of teenage girls looking for something fun to do. The birthday girl wanted to use a Ouija board. This is something I do not generally recommend—I know now that it’s possible for any energy to be attracted to these. If using one, I would suggest having a medium who really knows what they are doing present. If you’ve ever used one, you know that it has all the letters of the alphabet on it, as well as “yes” and “no.” There is typically a plastic piece that people place their fingers on. They allow this plastic piece to move on the board, hoping to communicate with spirits. I didn’t think I believed in this… I was skeptical and thought it was kind of stupid, frankly. Looking back, that reaction was probably part healthy skepticism and a part me trying to protect myself from loss. I had already lost my mom. I didn’t want to find out for sure that she no longer existed anywhere.
The girls and I also decided that we would not move the plastic piece ourselves—we promised each other. We would simply let our fingers rest on it and allow it to move. We all put our fingers on it and waited to see what would happen. It began to move around—which I found strange because I could tell that no one was pushing it one way or another. One girl asked, “ Who is there?” The plastic immediately went to the C and stopped. My mother’s name is Cathy with a “C.” My stomach dropped for a moment while I waited for it to move again. I wanted it to move to the letter A— so that it would spell Cathy—and I almost wanted to move it myself but I didn’t want to break the promise we all had made. It begin to move again and it did not go to the A. It stopped on the E. Then it stopped on the P. We all looked at each other confused. I thought, "what is Cep?" Then one of the girls said, “Maybe it’s someone’s initials.” I thought for a moment and my heart began to race. My mother’s full name before marriage was Catherine Elizabeth Pond. In a shaky voice I said, “ those are my mom’s initials.” Only a couple of the girls in the room even knew my mom had died and they didn’t know her name. One girl asked me, “ Is your mom even dead?” I explained that she was.
One of the girls then asked, “Do you have a message for Shelley?” The piece slid over to “Yes.” Then It spelled out “ I—L-O-V-E—Y-O-U.” Before the end of the sentence, I had my face in my arms, and was crying. We actually had to stop at that point anyway because some of the girls were getting picked up. I can’t communicate how profoundly this affected me. There was shock, confusion, relief, comfort, and it was also a little bit spooky, all at the same time. Mostly though, it was amazing. It was the most important person in my life —who was now gone—coming back. She existed—something I didn’t think it was possible. Had this really happened?
On my way home I heard my mom’s favorite song on the radio. What was even more strange was that it was technically an oldie but I was listening to a pop station. Not only that, the song is about losing a loved one. Stations had just started playing Pearl Jam’s rendition of “Last Kiss” and that was the first time I had heard it. I had many many signs from my mother growing up (and still do). They comforted me but it was easy to brush them off as coincidence. Later, there were too many “coincidences” and too many pretty miraculous occurrences (which I can go into later, another time) for me to keep denying it.
Shortly after the birthday party, my science-fiction teacher (I took a science fiction english class in high school) brought a Ouija board in to class. I was freaked out. For some reason, the class wanted me to use it. Nobody knew about my Mom except for maybe one friend in the class. Despite my reluctance to use it in class for fear of being vulnerable in front of a bunch of teenagers, I did it. I used it with a student that I didn’t know well. As the class watched, I told them, “I’m not going to look while it moves. When it stops, tell me what it spelled.” If my Mom’s initials were going to be spelled out again, I wanted to be sure it wasn’t coming from any part of me. I wanted to be sure that it was really happening. I turned my back to the board as the thing moved around. Then it stopped. When I asked what it spelled, they all said, “CEP.” I was shocked—again. I couldn’t fathom how this could be happening—and twice at that.
I started to shake and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I told them I was done with the Ouija board. I didn’t want to get emotional in front of my class. I heard kids say, “she’s freakin out,” while snickering. They were clueless. Why wouldn’t they be? It felt very isolating though for kids to not understand. It was a feeling I was used to—being one of the few who had lost her Mom. Shame was something I often felt at school after losing my Mom. I told my friend in the class as well as the teacher who I confided in regularly about why I was responding to “CEP” the way I was. They were both totally shocked. It was nice to share what I had experienced with others.
After this, the board crossed my path a few more times in college. Someone in my dorm had one. I don’t even remember exactly how it came about but it happened to be there. My Dad’s brother who had passed when I was 19 came through and told me that my Dad needed to go get his throat checked by a doctor or he could end up with cancer. I told my dad about this and he went to get checked. It turned out that he had polyps in his throat due to acid reflux and the doctor said that if he didn’t get it treated, it could have turned into cancer. I had several more experiences like this with the ouiji board. I noticed it was becoming easier for me to connect and too many uncanny things had happened. It was getting harder for me to deny that this was real.
When I was about 20, a friend of mine invited me to a psychic fair. I had never been to one and had never met an actual psychic. I was given a reading by a particular Psychic who was the first to tell me that I had a past life in England. I remembered the feeling that I had about having lived there. She began her readings by asking her clients to think of a question in their mind. I thought about someone I had a crush on at that time. I was still in the gay closet though so I didn’t want to reveal that it was a woman. Though I never told her what my question was, she immediately asked me “ Who is this person that you have a crush on?” I was nervous. I lied and told her it was some guy named Keith. She said, “No, I feel like it’s someone else.” I was afraid and I shut down. I could tell she was the real deal. This experience helped to further open my mind and prove the validity of psychic abilities.
One day, I decided to go get my cards read by a psychic on my own for the first time. Everything she said was spot on—this included her telling me that I am psychic and that I am able to connect with spirit. I started to loosen more and began to allow myself to believe. I went back to her again sometime later and I told her both about my experiences with the Ouija board and that I had recently heard that they can attract negative energy (I met someone who had some experiences himself and he mentioned that Ouiji boards can attract lots of different types of energy). She recommended I try automatic writing rather than using the board. It’s similar in that you simply hold a pen loosely and allow it to move and write whatever comes through. I was used to the feeling of letting an object move while touching it at that point, so it was a good transition.
By now, I was maybe 23 and I decided to try automatic writing. It came VERY naturally and was very easy for me. I began connecting with my mom through this vehicle and created symbols with her that meant different things. I started seeing images in my mind’s eye and I even saw a light in a dark room with no windows one morning. It was a tall blue-white light. I turned my head for a moment and looked back and it was gone. Things were beginning to really get strange but I loved it. I was scared sometimes but it was absolutely fascinating to me. Mostly, I was just grateful beyond words that I could connect with my mom. I knew she was still with me.
One day, around that time, I was hanging with a couple of friends and I told them about the automatic writing. One of them grabbed a pen and paper and started to try it for herself. I noticed she was doing it. The pen was moving but she was struggling to let go and really allow it to move. I offered to help her and she was happy to let me. I had no idea that I was about to inadvertently give her a reading.
I took the paper and pen and immediately, a strong image of the letter R popped into my mind and I let the pen move to write a capital R. Then I wrote RB. I asked, who is “RB?” She said, that’s my Grandmother R____ B_____ (Her first name started with an R and her last name started with a B). I got that she had 4 people there for her in spirit and she explained that yes, her 4 grandparents were in spirit. I then attempted to get the initials of these folks but found it challenging as they weren’t coming through as strong as RB. I had the idea to grab a phone book that was on the table in front of me. I opened to a page which had an ad on it with several words. I asked my Mom to come through and help me to connect with these spirits and to get their initials by circling letters on the page with my pen. I then gave my friend the initials of each grandparent—one after the other—without missing one letter. I was able to get more information—that her brother would have another child, that her Mom—who had cancer at the time—would get better, and that her grandfather died of a stomach issue.
At the end, I was weirded out—partially because the reason I discovered that her Grandfather died of a stomach problem was because I began to feel sick to my stomach. My stomach was hurting and I was nauseous— it was extremely intense. I needed to ask my friend for some Tums for relief. This is one way spirits are able to communicate with us. They make us feel things. I asked them to stop making me feel pain once I figured out what they were trying to communicate and a minute or so later, I felt fine. This experience of reading my friend is what made me realize that I was a medium. By the way, her brother did have another kid and her mom went into remission, which was the info that I had given her.
As time went on, I continued to have these types of experiences. I also have had doubts and concerns. I even wondered whether I was going crazy. As an adult, I have intentionally done a lot of healing work. I’ve had three different consistent therapists (each at different times in my life) since my early 20s—all of whom I worked with/ have been working with for years. Through this time, I’ve had moments of fear around all of this. It occurred to me that perhaps I was having symptoms of mental illness—a fear/ concern that many mediums initially feel. Why wouldn’t you think, “ am I crazy?” This was especially unnerving for me considering mental illness runs in my family. I told each of these therapists about my experiences, exactly how they manifest for me, and all of them told me that what I experience is definitely not mental illness. This was a comfort.
Things have changed a lot since that day when I read my friend— about 13 years ago now. I’ve had many experiences like the ones I’ve shared, I’ve done many readings, and I’ve come to understand what it means to be intuitive, psychic, sensitive, empathic, and connected with spirit on a much much deeper level. I’m very sensitive to energy. I feel things, I hear things, and I sometimes see energy as well. I connect with spirit regularly — including many moments of getting valid and specific information. I worked with a friend who shares these abilities— practicing readings and doing healing work with one another for a year. I’ve taken psychic development meditation classes and mediumship workshops in order to understand this more clearly, meet folks who share this experience, and further develop my capabilities. It’s important to have people around who understand what it’s like to be you. That’s why I like living with the gays in Oakland California! I’m still really wanting to build more mediumship community. Though I very recently realized that part of this yearning for community is also about my simply living this externally in my life more, rather than keeping it mostly to myself. So, being out will help with that.
This next part feels extra scary to share, to be honest. I think that's because it’s not about specific examples or instances but more about how this manifests for me on a day-to-day basis. It definitely feels a little bit more vulnerable.
These last five years of my life have been tough. I’ve dealt with the loss of friends and family members, painful and debilitating injuries, fairly serious health issues, and transitions in my professional life, among several other things. Through these challenges, I’ve learned a great deal and have become so much more of who I am. A big part of this has been thanks to my intuition and connection with spirit.
About four years ago, something happened that would change my life. It was a moment when I was in a great deal of physical and emotional pain. I had just lost my grandfather six months before. My grandparents helped raise my sister and I after my mom died and even while my Mother was still alive and sick. We lived with them for a large portion of my childhood–my grandfather was another father to me, so when he died, it was a profound loss. Four months after that happened, my long-term relationship ended and my life changed tremendously. In the midst of grief, I interviewed potential roommates and invited one to move in to my apartment. It was a time of drastic change. During this time I also had a serious injury. I had horrible tendonitis in my hands to the point where I couldn’t make fists. I could not cook or clean or use my hands much at all. I was even on very modified duty at work because I couldn’t do a lot of things on the job. Brushing my teeth and taking shower was a challenge.
Thankfully I had a couple of friends who helped move things out of closets and cabinets, move furniture, etc. to get ready for my roommate to move in. I had a huge pile of stuff that I needed to go through in my bedroom on the floor from different parts of the house. It was a mountain—physically and metaphorically. I felt I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t organize things in my room with injured hands. I couldn’t fix the fact that I’d lost loved ones. I couldn’t fix my body. I felt helpless and I was in pain.
One day I sat on the floor in my tiny living room and I thought, “ I’m done.” I was completely emotionally and physically exhausted. I thought, “ I can’t do this anymore.” It was time to let go. Intellectually, I didn’t know what that meant for me. It was more of a resigning to what is. I started praying from a place of truth. I asked for help in this time of pain. I didn’t ask for anything specific. It no longer felt right to try to control anything. It was more of a letting go. This is the moment when I started hearing my spirit guides.
Spirit guides are spirits who help guide us through our lifetime. They help us to stay on our path and they help us to get our needs met. They do not make decisions for us or judge us. They are simply there to help us feel our way through life.
The first message I heard clearly from my guides was “ there are no obstacles.” This was in reference to the mountain in my room and metaphorically, for life in general. This is not to say that there are not obstacles. This was their way of communicating to me that I am able to be empowered and take steps even when it feels like something is blocking my way (so, when you’re looking at it from this higher perspective, there are no obstacles). I had a moment of insight; there was actually nothing in my way. While staying aware of the pain in my hands, I discovered I could put a couple of things from the mountain away each day without harming myself. Weeks later, I found that the mountain was gone. I had taken care of it on my own, even in the midst of intense suffering. This is when I started to really discover what it means to have balance in life. Balance is the opposite of all or nothing thinking.
This experience was the beginning of an exponential healing journey. I had tremendous physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges fairly continuously for five years. It’s become easier and easier for me to connect with my spirit guides and it is now part of my every day life. They have helped me to gain a deeper understanding of my challenging experiences, of what I need for my healing, and they've been a loving comfort to me in time of pain. I’ve healed and grown more than I can even believe sometimes and my connection with spirit has been monumental throughout this process. I began channeling with my guides and learning the difference between connecting with them and with my own soul/ my own knowingness. I had (and always continue to have) countless insights through connecting with my guides, connecting with my loved ones in spirit, through my own contemplation and healing work, and through connecting with myself/ my intuition in this process. I recorded my voice so that I could archive the insights I continued to have even when my body could not write.
I have dozens and dozens of recordings, and now, many journals full of writing as well—now that my hands have healed. These have accumulated over years. My plan is to put it all into a book at some point— to share in hopes that it can help others.
Connecting with spirit has actually helped me to learn to connect with myself. I know how to feel what I need. I know how to feel the truth. I’m so grateful for this because in the past, I just didn’t have access to these elements in the same way that I do now. I consistently see others struggling to connect with themselves/their intuition/their soul and their truth–I hope to help people to discover ways to do this and what the process might mean for them.
Connecting with ourselves is loving ourselves. And when we can connect and love ourselves and have self-compassion, we can have more empathy and compassion for others. I wanted to share all of this to really show people more about who I am and what’s at the core of me as a person, as a soul. I also want to help others to connect with themselves and to spirit because it can be a huge avenue for healing, growth, joy, and experiencing life from a new perspective.
I know I want this to be a part of my professional life in some way and this coming out process is going to be instrumental in that endeavor. I realize you can’t offer something if you’re hiding it. I really appreciate that you’ve read through all of this!!!!! Sharing this now is an important part of my journey. I hope sharing my experience can help folks out there in some way. Love to all of you!